A View of the Past

This was posted on my very first blog that I rarely post to anymore (that is completely unrelated to anything pregnancy). I thought I should share it here to give an understanding to where my life stands now and how I got here.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

A fresh Start 

Sunday was a day of peaceful reflection. Last week as we made preparations to lay our daughter to rest each step caused pain and brought peace. The flowers were absolutely perfect. The casket was perfect, the service was better than I could have imagined.

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful? We had enough room inside to put gifts for each of the four children we have lost. As we decided what to put inside it became obvious why Faith was given to us.

I have struggled for some time about why God gave us Faith Hope. I can clearly see why I have lost each of the children before her and I could not, for the life of me figure out why this pain and loss would be brought to me again. On Saturday it all came together; here's my theory.

Had my second pregnancy (Jordan Kelly) been carried to term I would not have met Hubby. At the time I met him I would have been a single mom with a very young baby and a toddler at home...not at the bar on a Tuesday night to play pool!

When we lost Sam, it was at a time in our marriage when I was the one looking for a divorce and well on my way out the door. Hubby had told me he wanted no more children (a deal-breaker we had discussed at length before marriage) and I was moving on with my life - as soon as the bills were paid off I was going to be gone. Along came Sam and taught us a very important lesson about love, and forever.

Thanks to Sam I was able to have the most wonderful 30th birthday imaginable. On that morning (April 9, 2004) I took a pregnancy test that was positive...eight months later we were blessed with #4.

In 2007 we decided to add one last child to our crew. We knew that #'s 1-3 would have their own lives and probably be long gone before #4 was old enough to enjoy having siblings. Both hubby and I had siblings and could not imagine #4 growing up as an only child.

About one week after the decision was official I began having pregnancy symptoms. We were so shocked to find we were already expecting and decided it must have been meant to be. We named that baby Peanut and called him our "meant to be baby." At our 11 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat, our baby was gone.

I resolved to continue to believe it was meant to be and that the pain would have some purpose.

If we had not lost Peanut we would not have been blessed with the miracle that was #5. We took a pregnancy test one month after the D&C procedure that came back positive. Immediately we went to the doctor who told us it was likely just left over hormones from the pregnancy. They took blood every other day for the next week...we were definitely expecting again.

At our appointment to verify the results, the doctor told us to not get our hopes up. There was no way my body was ready to carry a baby and it was called an "non-viable pregnancy." As the weeks went on we stayed hopeful yet cautious. I was four months from finishing nursing school and none of it was going to be overly strenuous.

At 13 weeks gestation our lives would once again be turned upside down. I took a bathroom break right before attending a post-clinical session. I was hemorrhaging. OMG...not again...not me...not now...not here. I calmly walked to the classroom and told my instructor what was happening and went downstairs to the ER. They sent me back upstairs to the OB unit who then sent me back downstairs because I was not yet 20 weeks.

The ER staff was less than stellar in regards to pregnancy complications and emotional care. My contractions were nine minutes apart, my husband was 12 hours away, I was alone. Hard to imagine it got worse at this point...my amniotic sac ruptured. I pressed the call light and was attended to by an ER Tech who had no idea what was going on. As he walked out I heard him tell the nurse at the desk, "She says, her water broke." Again I was left alone for what seemed like forever. The doctor eventually came in to examine me and what I remember the most was him telling me that he could not visualize my cervix because there was too much blood and fluid.

When I pressed the call light because I needed to use the bathroom I asked the nurse to cath me (place a tube into my bladder to drain the urine so I wouldn't have to get out of the bed). She denied my request and said it wouldn't matter. The doctor was outside my room when I went to the bathroom and I told him my contractions had stopped. He shrugged his shoulders saying it was just because the pressure had decreased and they would start again as soon as the pressure built up again.

I was sent upstairs to spend the night. the next morning I was counseled about what would be happening: an ultrasound would be done to confirm "fetal demise" then a D&C would be performed. Well "BULLSHIT" said my baby!! The ultrasound findings were a shock to everybody. The baby had a strong heartbeat and the fluid had built back up to a reasonable level.

A "partial abruption with a retained clot" was the diagnosis. The doctor came in and looked very grim. My options were to have a D&C before going home, or going home to wait for the baby to die and return for the procedure "by the end of the week at the latest" (this was on a Tuesday). We were told this was now an "inevitable abortion" based on the events the night before. No pregancy could continue after an abruption of that size. Add to that the ruptured membranes and my baby's death was certain.

We decided to wait. I couldn't kill my baby. Even knowing how it would end; I was going to embrace everyday of this pregnancy. I needed time to process this.

Well long story short (or not so long) we now have a healthy, happy (most days) almost two year old. Every doctor involved with our care has dubbed him a miracle and for once I don't question them!

I'll tell more of his story later.

(((hugs)))

Thankful

BEWARE...rambling thoughts as I cook our thanksgiving meal!!

I am so thankful, it's amazing how much more thankful I am this year than any other year.

For some reason I have exhaled from Carson's birth...he's three, we've been safe for a very long time. I have just always waited for the other shoe to drop...I have been thinking that we got too lucky and something was going to happen. I think my heart finally was able to accept that it's okay, we were lucky, and now we can just enjoy it.

Something did happen, but it wasn't to Carson and it had nothing to do with prematurity. Our family has overcome a devastating event that not many can come back from and we have rallied and I believe we are finally OK. I am thankful for that.

It's been almost two years since Jay and I separated. It was awful, it was hell. For the six months he was living outside the house I did everything in my power to be keep it together for the kids. I had no options, I couldn't fall apart. I learned that I was much tougher than I ever gave myself credit for. I was healthy, I was stable, I as strong.

When we reconciled there was still so much anger, unresolved hurt and other issues that I often wondered if being together was a good idea. Turns out it is. We have worked our butts off to get back on track and do what is right for our children, our marriage, and ourselves.

We are far from perfect, but we are together.

I am so thankful to have such faith in God. He has given me the strength to let go of past hurts while holding on to the lessons and learning from them. Without the great Pastor at our church I'm not sure I would have been able to find this faith and hold on to it when all seemed to be going down hill.

I am thankful that we have gained a household member this past year. She has truly been a blessing to have. We are so blessed for me to be able to stay home with the kids or we might have missed this opportunity.

I am thankful that Jay has a job he loves and while doing it he is lucky enough to get three day weekends almost every week! We both think if he wanted to work more he could, but why work all the time and not be able to enjoy what you have?

I am thankful that my sister, her husband, and my niece are coming to visit next weekend. I have not seen them since the summer...and it's been way to long!

I'm going to finish making the stuffing now and get the rest of the meal put together so everybody can enjoy it and as soon as I'm done...I'm thankful to have bought Braylie an iPod a few months ago because I will use it to block out the noise and go to bed early so I can get up early...not even early, I am leaving my house around 1:30am to pick up a friend who I am enjoying getting to know better and we are going to be crazy black Friday Shoppers!! We will be driving to Grand Forks, ND to stand in line at Sears in hopes of snagging a new front loading washer/dryer pair! I am thankful I have a friend to go with and for new friendships formed!!

I hope everybody can find something to be thankful for today and that even those who are struggling through recent loss can see even the pain as part of God's plan and know that He loves them all.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, it has been a tough go for me to actually get it all out. Prematurity Awareness month has been a great launching pad for more regular posts.

With Love and Hugs,
Debbie

My Kids are Awesome!

I remember when I was pregnant with both the boys that people thought they would get the short end of the stick when it came to gift give (both were due at the end of December and my first child was 10 days late).

I've always heard about doing a 'charity' birthday but often wondered what kind of people really do that. Well, now we have done it and it was fun! The kids loved it!

For Carson's third birthday we only invited close family and friends and told them NO GIFTS. They were asked to bring spare change and that would start to make a "Mile of Change" for the 2011 March for Babies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARSON!!!

Our kids have so many toys that they could gift a small nation and likely still have enough to play with!! I have come to understand that all that matters to them is fun and family. It's amazing how much of the expectations of birthday parties is what the adults want and doesn't take into consideration what the kids enjoy or look forward to. My kids look forward to having people over for a meal and a cake...that's it, pretty simple.


After supper we sat on the floor and placed rows five feet in length of various coins. We ended up with 150 feet of change!! The kids enjoyed the start of the project and soon were off playing other games while the parents and older kids finished the task.

Carson starting the line!

When all was said and done, the 150 feet of mixed change was equal to 717.25 feet of pennies which equaled $114.76. Not bad for a three year old's birthday party!

The adults finishing the task!

THE MASTERMINDS AND THE MONEY!

After the last guests left, there was no mess of wrapping paper to clean up, there were only a few new toys (grandma's just can't be stopped!!) and everybody was happy.

The very next day, Kevin was talking about the evening and said, "Mom, do you think I can do that for MY birthday too?" Of course we can, and we will.

So now I know what type of people have these giving events...WE ARE, I AM.

Next week I will talk to my kids about giving gifts to children who aren't as lucky as we are. Maybe children who have to spend Christmas at the Ronald McDonald house because they have a sick sibling, or something to that effect. Something that my kids will take to heart.

Tomorrow, as the smells of Thanksgiving fill my house we will randomly shout out thankful thoughts. We will be thankful for a year that has been something better than we could have ever imagined, we will eat and be merry.

On Friday, I will wake in the middle of the night like a child trying not to scare Santa...and sneak off to grab some great deals.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIRACLE

Yesterday we wore purple, today we say a prayer for the miracle of our son Carson who is a survivor of a partial placental abruption with ruptured membranes at 12 weeks 2 days gestation. On top of this, I had a protein deficiency requiring daily shots of blood thinner, a weekly hormone injection, plus meds every 6 hours around the clock to keep contractions away, and ended the pregnancy with Cholestasis of Pregnancy.

Today he is THREE YEARS OLD!

The doctor did everything he could to keep me comfortable during the last weeks of my pregnancy. The discomfort was more than anybody could ever imagine! My husband often remarked how great I was for continuing my medications for as sick as they made me. I often questioned the risk/benefit of continuing the pregnancy due to the illness and medications required.

So tomorrow, when we have people over for supper to celebrate this miracle, we have asked for people to not bring gifts and instead to bring change to donate to the March of Dimes. We are attempting to raise a "Mile of Change" for the 2011 March for Babies event!

Happy Birthday Bum...

This is the Day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!!

The Report Card is Released

Each year, the March of Dimes releases the Prematurity Birth Report Card. Both Minnesota (10%) and North Dakota (11.1%) were graded C this year.

The March of Dimes graded states by comparing each state’s rate of premature birth to the nation’s 2010 objective of 7.6 percent. Preterm birth is the leading cause of newborn death in the United States. We don’t yet understand all the factors that contribute to premature birth. The nation must continue to make progress on research to identify causes and prevention strategies, and on interventions and quality improvement initiatives to improve outcomes. (reprinted from the March of Dimes)

Both of these state are important to me personally because in the area I live, the hospitals are not equipped to handle prematurity so most babies are transferred to Fargo or Grand Forks, North Dakota if delivered before 36 weeks. Because of the combination of mine and Carson's health problems at the end of his gestation, we had to be transferred to Minneapolis, MN to deliver at Fairview Medical Center.

The March of Dimes is working hard through advocacy and awareness to reduce the rate of preterm births. They support research and initiatives to help every baby get their nine months in the womb.

I support the March of Dimes through the March for Babies fund raising event each spring and I also volunteer with chapter events.

It would be my dream job to work with the March of Dimes for my entire nursing career to educate women and help every baby. Thankfully I have this blog to help raise awareness...if one person becomes more aware because of this writing, I have made a difference.

Prematurity Awareness Day 2010

I know you've already heard me talk about how aware I am and how aware my family is. Today I struggle to write this entry because three years ago I was laying in a hospital bed praying my liver numbers were going down, or even stabilized, I could handle stable. I could not handle rising...and rising fast!

I really thought we had made it through the hard part and the rest of our journey was gonna be a cake walk. Then, at 33 weeks 3 days gestation...it got ugly - FAST:

November 7, 2007

Well, so much for good news...

Yesterday's appointment started out fine, Stickers scored great on the biophysical profile ( 8/8 ), Braylie got to see the baby for the first time...all was good.

Then we went to see the Dr...I told him I had started itching the past couple of days and it was getting worse. He says there is a clinical condition...I tell him I don't want another "clinical condition". I tell him I want to tell me it's all in my head and to try a different lotion...SOMETHING.

We have liver function tests done and I have Cholestasis of Pregnancy, a liver disorder. He prescribed benadryl which didn't even come close to help the itching, now he started another drug for the cholestasis and a prescription "itch drug" It has helped a little but am still scratching...and I'm not talking a little itchy, I have scratched parts of my body to the point of bleeding. We go back tomorrow for more lab work and to discuss the strategy from there.

Cholestsasis increases the risk of still birth so we will be delivering even earlier than we thought. We were supposed to deliver at 37 weeks due to an earlier partial placental abruption, but now we are looking at 35 or 36 weeks.

We are going to question him about the benefits and risks of staying pregnant at this point because I am literally going mad with the itch. He said to double my dose of meds and that it should bring some relief within 24 hours...I won't have any skin left in 24 hours!!

I just can't believe this poor kid can't catch a break...from hanging on for dear life to getting the nursery finished in time; then from doing everything in our power to keep this kid inside to hoping we get it out early enough!

It is torture for Jay watching me literally claw myself apart and there's nothing he can do. The drug for the condition is a disgusting powder you mix with water and it makes me nauseous, the "itchy drug" is an antihistamine so it makes me loopy...I'm a damn mess!

Then, trying to be funny Jay says he needs 5 more days, then I can have the baby...it's deer hunting season up here!

So we are back to the waiting game. I'll let you know tomorrow what happens. 

My Liver enzymes were ten to twelve times above a 'high' level. Extremely dangerous for baby and absolutely crazy making for me.

Things only went down hill from there. My liver function would do okay for a day or two and the itching would become unbearable again and the meds would be increased. I ended up on TRIPLE doses of the most disgusting medication in the world four times a day. Even then, it only helped the numbers not go higher, nothing brought them down.

I spent most of the last two weeks either in the hospital or the doctors office and on a lot of drugs. I couldn't eat because the drugs made me sick, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't get comfortable, I only saw my husband and kids twice a week...it was terrible.


Now, YOU are a little more aware...of what it took to get Carson to 35 weeks. After praying and doing everything in our power to get him to viability (24 weeks) we now had to make sure we got him out in time, only we had no idea how much time we had...and we were scared.

Just a Little Bit Premature

I say this often when I speak of Carson, he was only a little bit premature. What exactly does this mean?

Although every baby is different, this is what it meant for us for Carson to be born "just a little" early.

It meant

• He was born in a hospital in Minneapolis instead of Thief River Falls.
• The nurses were strangers, not friends who knew us, our family, our story.
• The doctor who delivered him, I had not even met until I started pushing.
• The NICU where he spent his first days was like a maze, and I felt lost.
• He had to have blood drawn everyday for over a week (sometimes more than once per day).
• The nurse had to poke him 4 times to start an IV.
• He had to keep that IV for three days.
• I had to walk down a long hallway to another floor just to visit him.
• We had to ask for permission to hold him.
• We had to weigh his diapers (if we were lucky enough to be allowed to change one).
• His first feedings were through a tube in his nose.
• We could only hold him for a limited amount of times
• Even when he was out of the NICU, he had to stay in the nursery for light therapy so we still could not keep him in my room.
• After we came home, he had to go back into the hospital for treatment after being home for only four days.
• Carson did not know how to eat and it would take almost two hours to feed him, only to start all over again in two hours. 
• He was almost too small to come home in a car seat legally.

I can't complain. We had it easy. He was born on Sunday night and came home Thursday of the same week. The doctor who kept me pregnant as long as he medically could had prepared us for worst case scenario...and it was scary. We wondered if we would be home in time for Christmas, we were home on Thanksgiving Day!

I'm sure the only reason we were discharged then was because I promised the on-call pediatrician that I would take him in to the clinic on Saturday for a weight check. Carson still did not know how to latch on when when left the hospital and I have never heard of a baby being discharged while still having the feeding problems we did. He took a bottle okay, but nursing took every ounce of energy he had.

Once he was stabilized after birth he never again needed oxygen support. This was a huge blessing.

As you can see, even a little bit early is too early. No baby should be forced to go through this because of a physician's vacation schedule or a mother's holiday plans...but it happens. Physicians offer to deliver babies before 40 weeks gestation for these reasons.

There is a saying about "one day in the womb equals three in the NICU" no baby should ever be in the NICU to prevent scheduling conflicts...