Peanut's Beginning

The following are journal entries surrounding the beginning of Peanut's short life:

January 3, 2007


Tomorrow is my first doctor's appointment. You could call this my pre-prenatal exam.


The main reason for the visit is to get information about my medications during pregnancy. It is also the official medical starting point. Ready...Set...GO!!



February 1, 2007


Dr R. gave us the "all clear." she said to keep up the exercise & eat well, take a good B  vitamin & Folic Acid. I'm already taking a multivitamin with those elements & she was happy with that.
Now, for the good news...I've been using those old home pregnancy tests I bought when we were trying with Sam and Kevin, they were outdated but I figured it wouldn't matter. I took the first on Jay's birthday and each day since. They have all been negative.


Today I bought one while @ Walmart. I wondered if I would "waste" one today or wait until morning, Well, I couldn't wait...and I think I am still in shock! It was POSITIVE. Can you believe it? I sure couldn't. I'm still not sure it's true!


I haven't told Jay. I think he'd rather hear it in person. I called and asked him  (whether he would rather hear it in person if I have a positive test) and he said it would be nice but not necessary.


Today is only Thursday, he's not going to be home until Saturday-48 more hours keeping all to myself! that was the other thing Jay said. he knew there was no way I could keep my mouth shut if I was! Well, we'll see now won't we!


My due date is October 9, 2007. This is good - I'll be finished school, and all should be fine as far as that goes, even if I do have problems, which I am not expecting.

Later entry the same day:

I'm pregnant :) Can you Imagine, pregnant without even trying! That was not even close to realistic for Jay and I! We tried for so long with Sam, then 8 more months for Kevin.


I'm sure Lindsay will be hoping for the 6th; David, the first; and Brandon the 26th!

Wow, I'm pregnant - I am so filled with happiness! I can't wait for Jay to find out - we've been joking there is no way we could be so lucky. He's gonna absolutely fall down!


he might be right, I may not be able to hold this in! I want to call him and jump & down, share this wonderful joyous news! I want to see the look on his face when I tell him. I want to be able to enjoy the moment together.


This pregnancy is going to be so special for Jay and I. It's our last one. Kevin was special because he was our first.


We are not going to share our news with everyone right away. I'm not sure when we will make it public - we'll have to see as we go!


So many milestones to look forward to; first movements, heartbeat, a tummy, Kevin and Braylie's reactions, contractions, blah, blah, blah.

I had only known my baby for a few hours and already I was planning and anticipating the greatness and wonderfulness to come.

February 2, 2007


Well, it's final. We are expecting in October. I'm still shell shocked! And I couldn't keep it from Jay. He was very happy. 


Now we'll have to come up with a name for this baby, I have no idea what we will be referring to this baby as!


Jay said he thinks it's a boy -- I can't even believe I'm pregnant and he's already making predictions!

February 4, 2007

I am so glad to be feeling well. I am so confident that this pregnancy is going to be so smooth. I'm still on cloud nine. I think I finally beleive this is happening! I am four weeks today. Four down, thirty-six to go!


We are going to take monthly photos as we did with Kevin. 

February 5, 2007

Our baby now has a name. From this day forward, the child growing in my belly will be known as Peanut.


So Peanut, I will try to be patient waiting for you. I will continue to work out with my trainer at least 3 days a week.


Love you, Peanut, we look forward to meeting you!


We are trying as well to decide what to do with your bedroom. I'm thinking green & yellow - or something!


Love,
Mommy xoxo

I think this is what people don't understand when a child is lost in early pregnancy. From the moment a pregnancy is confirmed, plans begin to form, life changes. I can still feel the joy in my heart surrounding these events, I can visualize my reactions, trying to not be so giddy around Braylie (so she wouldn't suspect and I'd have to tell her before her dad came home) yet not able to wipe the smile off my face. Even as I type, I cannot stop smiling at the joy of these memories.

Maybe I Already Knew

This next journal entry is a letter written before I even knew I was pregnant. Looking back, I know I wrote it because I knew the timing was not perfectly right for a pregnancy to start. I wonder though if my brain already knew I was pregnant and knew the baby was not going to make it and I was begging for a better outcome.

January 25, 2007

Early Baby,

Please wait for a while longer. The time is not right for you to join our family out here.


Daddy and I love you endlessly already. It never ceases to amaze me how much love a parent has for each child. Even when a new child comes along, the love grows to include that child.


I'm excited ti see you, hold you, feed you, kiss you, cuddle you, love you. I look forward to sharing you with Daddy, Kevin, Braylie, and the others.


Be peaceful little one. I'll be seeing you oh so soon.


Love ,
Mom

When I went back and read this when we found out we were already pregnant that's when I knew this baby was meant to be. Our Meant-To-Be baby. I thought obviously we were ready and we would make the best of it! We would be just fine! I had no idea I would later come eat those words; or more accurately, choke on them.

Peanut was meant to teach us that we really do have no control over God's plan for our lives and that we must only live the best life we can according to His word.

Peanut was meant to teach us that love may not save a life, but it can save a marriage, it can mend a broken heart, it can help your kids deal with pain, and it can make the most devastating pain bearable.

A poem I found really helped to bring me peace:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,

With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay. 

 
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear. 

 
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, 

I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

~Author Unknown

 

I love my Peanut so much. I still wonder at times what he or she would be like today, a boisterous three year old, or more of a relaxed Mama's baby. 

 

It's almost funny how all of our angels have developed genders over the years, Sam and Peanut are always referred to as boys, Faith and Jordan are now girls. Now that I have explained that, I will be more comfortable using their 'assumed gender' in the rest of my writings.

...And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay...

You just can't explain this to a grieving parent, sibling, family member or friend. Each person will figure it out in their own time, and what a feeling of peace and calm it brings. I still cry on Peanut's Angelversarry, Jay still lights a candle, we still say a family prayer. Our loss is not gone, only the mind blowing, all consuming grief.

We are painfully aware that Peanut's loss helped to bring us Stickers and the miracle that he is. We thank God for Peanut and the lessons we, as a family, needed to learn to deal with all things Carson.

The Start of a Journey

Journal Entry 

January 30, 2007

This journal is to chronicle our final pregnancy.

After much discussion, Jay and I have decided on one more pregnancy.

Kevin is two, Braylie is eleven, Jordan is twelve, and Brandon is 16, The older kids are becoming more independent and will be moving along in their individual life journeys in the coming years. Kevin has so much time left at home and I feel guilty about him not having the entire sibling experience.

Of course that is not the entire reason we are adding on to our family; we have so much love to give and are excited to share it with one more child.

The last menstrual cycle began on December 30, 2006. As I wait to begin this next cycle-which should be in the next day or two-I'm eager and excited to start the final chapter of my reproduction.

This journal will be an account of the process from beginning to end. It will be interesting to see whether my previous experience and current education will make this pregnancy different from the other four.

Now, I'll update you on our situation to begin this chapter of our lives.

jay and I have been married six and a half years and have four children between us.

Brandon is 16, in the 10th grade, plays saxophone, likes mechanical work, and is a typical teenager.

Jordan is 12, a beautiful blooming flower, is in the seventh grade and is in the midst of becoming a lovely young woman.

Braylie, our eleven year old sixth grader, is energetic, a beginning basketball player, plays trumpet, and hates homework.

Kevin, our two year old wonder boy never ceases to amaze us. He is intelligent beyond his age and takes too much room in our bed every night.

Hang on for a wild, exciting trip through time.

For the person beginning to read this journal, this is an intimate look into our family. Treat it with the dignity and respect it deserves. Whether I am still on this earth or not, remember me with a smile as you try to put these words into pictures for your mind.

I haven't read this entry in a long time (probably not since right after it was written). It's interesting to see how I describe the kids now aged 19, 16, 15, and 5!!

I also realize that rewriting the actual journal entries (hand written, not typed) they really need to be edited for proper grammar. I have decided to copy my original writings to keep it real and authentic.

How it all Started

Although this is Stickers' journey, it really started with Peanut. I will begin with the letters and journal I wrote for Peanut throughout that pregnancy.

January 21, 2007,
Dearest Baby,

Daddy and I are contemplating adding you to our family. the decision is not yet final.

I only wanted to let you know that I already think of you often. You would be so loved here with us.


Kevin turned 2 a month ago and Braylie will be 12 in May. Daddy is a truck driver for Central Boiler in Greenbush. He is gone during the week and home most weekends. I am a nursing student at Northland Community and Technical College in Thief River Falls. I will be finished the LPN program in August and may or may not continue on to the RN program.

Sometimes I think of working for a while between programs. You may have some say in what happens. I told Daddy that you wouldn't be born until after I was done the LPN program and could either work or return to school for the part time RN program.


I want you to know how much you are loved an cherished. Nothing compares to a mother's love; you will come to understand this as you grow and thrive with us.

As you can see, we hadn't even decided for sure whether we were going to have one more baby. We had no idea what we were in for.

Welcome

This blog will retell the story of Stickers' beginnings and the medical community's refusal to believe this pregnancy was even possible.

I have been pregnant seven times and have the wonderful task of raising three wonderful children. I am grateful that four angels await me in the arms of God.

Stickers was the name given to our youngest child while he was still growing inside me. We were continuing a family tradition of giving our baby a name soon after we were pregnant so the child was not referred to as "It" or "The Baby." We were never interested in knowing the sex of our babies before they were born so they had to be gender neutral.

I have grown in my belly a J.R., Jordan, Sam, Peanut, Flipper, Stickers, and Faith. Those growing bellies grew to become Braylie, Kevin, and Carson. Babies Jordan, Sam, Peanut, and Faith are buried at the tiny country church cemetery where we go to renew our spirit and hear God's word.
 
I nicknamed my first pregnancy J.R. because it was common for babies to be referred to as junior and I wanted something just a bit different; a name not a title.

My second pregnancy was lost as I found out I was pregnant so I chose a name  gender neutral because I did not know for sure, although I have always felt Jordan was a girl.

My third pregnancy was a whirlwind. On Thursday I had a positive pregnancy test. On Monday night I couldn't sleep so I kept my husband awake until we came up with name. Tuesday morning while I was at work I began to have cramping and spotting. My husband took me to the ER where I was told everything was fine and if I wanted to take the rest of the day off work and relax. I sent my husband back to work only to call him a few hours later to inform him I had woken up in a pool of blood. Our baby Sam (named for Yosemite Sam because we were going to have a Loony Tunes nursery) was gone.

After a discussion with our older children (J.R. plus the 2 children from my husband's first marriage) the oldest decided that Flipper was appropriate four our next pregnancy because it was likely the shape of the baby at the time.

Peanut was our meant to be baby. We had been talking about adding one more child to our mix only to discover the decision had already been made. We were expecting Peanut to join us in October, in time for my sister's birthday.

At our 13 week checkup the doctor could not find a heart beat and sent us for an ultra sound to confirm Peanut's age. Our baby was gone. We cried, the nurse cried, our doctor was great. That Friday a D&C was performed. It was an awful experience I was in no way prepared for.

We accepted the loss like champs. How could we call the baby meant to be and then question the loss? We knew that for whatever reason, Peanut was meant to be in every way possible. I was upset that now God held in his arms more of my children than I did. This comforting vision was also very sad.

Exactly one month later, when I hadn't experienced what I was told to expect I took a pregnancy test which was positive and we were beyond overjoyed. We called the doctor who saw us that afternoon and sat us down with a somber tone. She explained that the test was likely positive due to hormones still in my system from the last pregnancy. A series of blood tests were scheduled to confirm hormone levels. Within a few days it was obvious, again a child was growing inside me.

As the medical professionals explained the unlikelihood that this pregnancy would continue because of the recent loss we prayed for our little trooper. Non-viable pregnancy is a medical term used for pregnancies deemed not possible to continue. I had hear this term before, and I hated it.

My seventh and final pregnancy ended with the birth of our daughter Faith Hope. Born at 8 weeks, 5 days gestation we were in no way prepared for the grief this tiny little baby would bring to our lives.

Each of my children have been a blessing (even though the three on earth sometimes try to disguise this). I look forward to retelling the story of Stickers' journey and how our family has triumphed in the face of so much tragedy.