Thankful

BEWARE...rambling thoughts as I cook our thanksgiving meal!!

I am so thankful, it's amazing how much more thankful I am this year than any other year.

For some reason I have exhaled from Carson's birth...he's three, we've been safe for a very long time. I have just always waited for the other shoe to drop...I have been thinking that we got too lucky and something was going to happen. I think my heart finally was able to accept that it's okay, we were lucky, and now we can just enjoy it.

Something did happen, but it wasn't to Carson and it had nothing to do with prematurity. Our family has overcome a devastating event that not many can come back from and we have rallied and I believe we are finally OK. I am thankful for that.

It's been almost two years since Jay and I separated. It was awful, it was hell. For the six months he was living outside the house I did everything in my power to be keep it together for the kids. I had no options, I couldn't fall apart. I learned that I was much tougher than I ever gave myself credit for. I was healthy, I was stable, I as strong.

When we reconciled there was still so much anger, unresolved hurt and other issues that I often wondered if being together was a good idea. Turns out it is. We have worked our butts off to get back on track and do what is right for our children, our marriage, and ourselves.

We are far from perfect, but we are together.

I am so thankful to have such faith in God. He has given me the strength to let go of past hurts while holding on to the lessons and learning from them. Without the great Pastor at our church I'm not sure I would have been able to find this faith and hold on to it when all seemed to be going down hill.

I am thankful that we have gained a household member this past year. She has truly been a blessing to have. We are so blessed for me to be able to stay home with the kids or we might have missed this opportunity.

I am thankful that Jay has a job he loves and while doing it he is lucky enough to get three day weekends almost every week! We both think if he wanted to work more he could, but why work all the time and not be able to enjoy what you have?

I am thankful that my sister, her husband, and my niece are coming to visit next weekend. I have not seen them since the summer...and it's been way to long!

I'm going to finish making the stuffing now and get the rest of the meal put together so everybody can enjoy it and as soon as I'm done...I'm thankful to have bought Braylie an iPod a few months ago because I will use it to block out the noise and go to bed early so I can get up early...not even early, I am leaving my house around 1:30am to pick up a friend who I am enjoying getting to know better and we are going to be crazy black Friday Shoppers!! We will be driving to Grand Forks, ND to stand in line at Sears in hopes of snagging a new front loading washer/dryer pair! I am thankful I have a friend to go with and for new friendships formed!!

I hope everybody can find something to be thankful for today and that even those who are struggling through recent loss can see even the pain as part of God's plan and know that He loves them all.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, it has been a tough go for me to actually get it all out. Prematurity Awareness month has been a great launching pad for more regular posts.

With Love and Hugs,
Debbie

My Kids are Awesome!

I remember when I was pregnant with both the boys that people thought they would get the short end of the stick when it came to gift give (both were due at the end of December and my first child was 10 days late).

I've always heard about doing a 'charity' birthday but often wondered what kind of people really do that. Well, now we have done it and it was fun! The kids loved it!

For Carson's third birthday we only invited close family and friends and told them NO GIFTS. They were asked to bring spare change and that would start to make a "Mile of Change" for the 2011 March for Babies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARSON!!!

Our kids have so many toys that they could gift a small nation and likely still have enough to play with!! I have come to understand that all that matters to them is fun and family. It's amazing how much of the expectations of birthday parties is what the adults want and doesn't take into consideration what the kids enjoy or look forward to. My kids look forward to having people over for a meal and a cake...that's it, pretty simple.


After supper we sat on the floor and placed rows five feet in length of various coins. We ended up with 150 feet of change!! The kids enjoyed the start of the project and soon were off playing other games while the parents and older kids finished the task.

Carson starting the line!

When all was said and done, the 150 feet of mixed change was equal to 717.25 feet of pennies which equaled $114.76. Not bad for a three year old's birthday party!

The adults finishing the task!

THE MASTERMINDS AND THE MONEY!

After the last guests left, there was no mess of wrapping paper to clean up, there were only a few new toys (grandma's just can't be stopped!!) and everybody was happy.

The very next day, Kevin was talking about the evening and said, "Mom, do you think I can do that for MY birthday too?" Of course we can, and we will.

So now I know what type of people have these giving events...WE ARE, I AM.

Next week I will talk to my kids about giving gifts to children who aren't as lucky as we are. Maybe children who have to spend Christmas at the Ronald McDonald house because they have a sick sibling, or something to that effect. Something that my kids will take to heart.

Tomorrow, as the smells of Thanksgiving fill my house we will randomly shout out thankful thoughts. We will be thankful for a year that has been something better than we could have ever imagined, we will eat and be merry.

On Friday, I will wake in the middle of the night like a child trying not to scare Santa...and sneak off to grab some great deals.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIRACLE

Yesterday we wore purple, today we say a prayer for the miracle of our son Carson who is a survivor of a partial placental abruption with ruptured membranes at 12 weeks 2 days gestation. On top of this, I had a protein deficiency requiring daily shots of blood thinner, a weekly hormone injection, plus meds every 6 hours around the clock to keep contractions away, and ended the pregnancy with Cholestasis of Pregnancy.

Today he is THREE YEARS OLD!

The doctor did everything he could to keep me comfortable during the last weeks of my pregnancy. The discomfort was more than anybody could ever imagine! My husband often remarked how great I was for continuing my medications for as sick as they made me. I often questioned the risk/benefit of continuing the pregnancy due to the illness and medications required.

So tomorrow, when we have people over for supper to celebrate this miracle, we have asked for people to not bring gifts and instead to bring change to donate to the March of Dimes. We are attempting to raise a "Mile of Change" for the 2011 March for Babies event!

Happy Birthday Bum...

This is the Day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!!

The Report Card is Released

Each year, the March of Dimes releases the Prematurity Birth Report Card. Both Minnesota (10%) and North Dakota (11.1%) were graded C this year.

The March of Dimes graded states by comparing each state’s rate of premature birth to the nation’s 2010 objective of 7.6 percent. Preterm birth is the leading cause of newborn death in the United States. We don’t yet understand all the factors that contribute to premature birth. The nation must continue to make progress on research to identify causes and prevention strategies, and on interventions and quality improvement initiatives to improve outcomes. (reprinted from the March of Dimes)

Both of these state are important to me personally because in the area I live, the hospitals are not equipped to handle prematurity so most babies are transferred to Fargo or Grand Forks, North Dakota if delivered before 36 weeks. Because of the combination of mine and Carson's health problems at the end of his gestation, we had to be transferred to Minneapolis, MN to deliver at Fairview Medical Center.

The March of Dimes is working hard through advocacy and awareness to reduce the rate of preterm births. They support research and initiatives to help every baby get their nine months in the womb.

I support the March of Dimes through the March for Babies fund raising event each spring and I also volunteer with chapter events.

It would be my dream job to work with the March of Dimes for my entire nursing career to educate women and help every baby. Thankfully I have this blog to help raise awareness...if one person becomes more aware because of this writing, I have made a difference.

Prematurity Awareness Day 2010

I know you've already heard me talk about how aware I am and how aware my family is. Today I struggle to write this entry because three years ago I was laying in a hospital bed praying my liver numbers were going down, or even stabilized, I could handle stable. I could not handle rising...and rising fast!

I really thought we had made it through the hard part and the rest of our journey was gonna be a cake walk. Then, at 33 weeks 3 days gestation...it got ugly - FAST:

November 7, 2007

Well, so much for good news...

Yesterday's appointment started out fine, Stickers scored great on the biophysical profile ( 8/8 ), Braylie got to see the baby for the first time...all was good.

Then we went to see the Dr...I told him I had started itching the past couple of days and it was getting worse. He says there is a clinical condition...I tell him I don't want another "clinical condition". I tell him I want to tell me it's all in my head and to try a different lotion...SOMETHING.

We have liver function tests done and I have Cholestasis of Pregnancy, a liver disorder. He prescribed benadryl which didn't even come close to help the itching, now he started another drug for the cholestasis and a prescription "itch drug" It has helped a little but am still scratching...and I'm not talking a little itchy, I have scratched parts of my body to the point of bleeding. We go back tomorrow for more lab work and to discuss the strategy from there.

Cholestsasis increases the risk of still birth so we will be delivering even earlier than we thought. We were supposed to deliver at 37 weeks due to an earlier partial placental abruption, but now we are looking at 35 or 36 weeks.

We are going to question him about the benefits and risks of staying pregnant at this point because I am literally going mad with the itch. He said to double my dose of meds and that it should bring some relief within 24 hours...I won't have any skin left in 24 hours!!

I just can't believe this poor kid can't catch a break...from hanging on for dear life to getting the nursery finished in time; then from doing everything in our power to keep this kid inside to hoping we get it out early enough!

It is torture for Jay watching me literally claw myself apart and there's nothing he can do. The drug for the condition is a disgusting powder you mix with water and it makes me nauseous, the "itchy drug" is an antihistamine so it makes me loopy...I'm a damn mess!

Then, trying to be funny Jay says he needs 5 more days, then I can have the baby...it's deer hunting season up here!

So we are back to the waiting game. I'll let you know tomorrow what happens. 

My Liver enzymes were ten to twelve times above a 'high' level. Extremely dangerous for baby and absolutely crazy making for me.

Things only went down hill from there. My liver function would do okay for a day or two and the itching would become unbearable again and the meds would be increased. I ended up on TRIPLE doses of the most disgusting medication in the world four times a day. Even then, it only helped the numbers not go higher, nothing brought them down.

I spent most of the last two weeks either in the hospital or the doctors office and on a lot of drugs. I couldn't eat because the drugs made me sick, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't get comfortable, I only saw my husband and kids twice a week...it was terrible.


Now, YOU are a little more aware...of what it took to get Carson to 35 weeks. After praying and doing everything in our power to get him to viability (24 weeks) we now had to make sure we got him out in time, only we had no idea how much time we had...and we were scared.

Just a Little Bit Premature

I say this often when I speak of Carson, he was only a little bit premature. What exactly does this mean?

Although every baby is different, this is what it meant for us for Carson to be born "just a little" early.

It meant

• He was born in a hospital in Minneapolis instead of Thief River Falls.
• The nurses were strangers, not friends who knew us, our family, our story.
• The doctor who delivered him, I had not even met until I started pushing.
• The NICU where he spent his first days was like a maze, and I felt lost.
• He had to have blood drawn everyday for over a week (sometimes more than once per day).
• The nurse had to poke him 4 times to start an IV.
• He had to keep that IV for three days.
• I had to walk down a long hallway to another floor just to visit him.
• We had to ask for permission to hold him.
• We had to weigh his diapers (if we were lucky enough to be allowed to change one).
• His first feedings were through a tube in his nose.
• We could only hold him for a limited amount of times
• Even when he was out of the NICU, he had to stay in the nursery for light therapy so we still could not keep him in my room.
• After we came home, he had to go back into the hospital for treatment after being home for only four days.
• Carson did not know how to eat and it would take almost two hours to feed him, only to start all over again in two hours. 
• He was almost too small to come home in a car seat legally.

I can't complain. We had it easy. He was born on Sunday night and came home Thursday of the same week. The doctor who kept me pregnant as long as he medically could had prepared us for worst case scenario...and it was scary. We wondered if we would be home in time for Christmas, we were home on Thanksgiving Day!

I'm sure the only reason we were discharged then was because I promised the on-call pediatrician that I would take him in to the clinic on Saturday for a weight check. Carson still did not know how to latch on when when left the hospital and I have never heard of a baby being discharged while still having the feeding problems we did. He took a bottle okay, but nursing took every ounce of energy he had.

Once he was stabilized after birth he never again needed oxygen support. This was a huge blessing.

As you can see, even a little bit early is too early. No baby should be forced to go through this because of a physician's vacation schedule or a mother's holiday plans...but it happens. Physicians offer to deliver babies before 40 weeks gestation for these reasons.

There is a saying about "one day in the womb equals three in the NICU" no baby should ever be in the NICU to prevent scheduling conflicts...

Prematurity Awareness

November is PREMATURITY AWARENESS MONTH....

I am more aware than I ever wanted to be. I'm more aware than I NEVER wanted to be.

My boy Carson was almost another scar on my heart, and often when I think of his beginnings, the hurt is still there. Hearing an emergency room doctor telling you that the prognosis is "zero" is so hurtful.

I understand now he was only doing his job and as the facts presented themselves that night, that he had no choice but to answer the way he did...what I will never understand, is how Stickers made it.

I have a lump in my throat as I type because I can remember laying on the ER table...relieved that the contractions had stopped, scared because my membranes had ruptured, and alone...all alone.

When the doctor examined me, I was scared...and trying to keep it all together...I was a nursing student after all wasn't I? Was I not just taking care of patients an hour ago?

The first tear trickled down my face when the doctor said, "Oh."

I would not show fear, showing fear would be like running from a grizzly bear...useless. It would only cause me to cry which would increase my blood pressure and likely bring on even more contractions...crying would not save my baby.

Instead of losing it, I calmly asked, "What's the prognosis doctor?" I was no way prepared for his answer, I still can't stand to think of his answer.

He looked me right in the eye as he replied, "Zero."

"Did my membranes rupture?" I ask with the knowledge that they had...you can't mistake that feeling...even at 12 weeks...yep 12 weeks...I was having contractions and my water broke...I didn't even know there was that much 'water' at 12 weeks 2 days gestation.

Weren't we supposed to be "safe" now that we were officially into our second trimester?

His answer was that he couldn't even visualize my cervix due to the amount of blood and fluid and any test to determine if it were amniotic fluid would be tainted by the blood, but in his opinion, yes, I was ruptured.

Here is a excerpt from the blog I started thanks to a friend who had led me to the March of Dimes.

June 28,2007


I was told that I would need a D&C in the morning and that although my contractions had stopped (they had been 6 minutes apart) delivery was imminent. 

I cried, called my husband (who is a truck driver and had just left home that day for a six or seven day trip, my parents (who live 600 miles away) and my one girlfriend (home alone with three kids and expecting all her daycare kids in the morning). 

I was on my own.
It was the scariest thing I have ever been through. My official diagnosis "Inevitable Abortion." That's the medical term used when there is nothing that can be done to save the pregnancy and the baby is less than 20 completed weeks.


So, I am aware, I'm more than aware.


November is Prematurity Awareness Month...how aware are YOU.


Help support the March of Dimes in their mission to prevent birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. Click the link below to go to my fund raising page.

DONATE  

Dear Peanut

Feb 7, 2007


Hey Peanut, mom felt the effects of being pregnant this morning...I was so exhausted that I didn't get out of bed until 10:30! I fed Kev breakfast then we went back to bed and watched TV.


I'll take fatigue over morning sickness ANY DAY! Tired, I can accommodate, emesis just takes over your world!


You keep growing, you are already forming organs! You also have flippers instead of arm buds already.


Love you so much already!
Mom


Feb 15, 2007


Well Peanut, we are at 6w 3d today. I am more tired than usual but not sick.


I am so anxious to feel you inside me, and that's quite a ways away yet. I know you are still pretty small and maybe that is why I worry a bit yet. We are not out of the woods yet - technically I guess we never really will be - but being able to see you and hear you and feel you will sure be nice.


You can still fit on the eraser of a pencil - that's pretty little! It's simply amazing how much work you are doing - just knowing that makes me tired (haha).


In two weeks we will have our first prenatal appointment. You will be 8w 0d and I'm hoping to be able to hear your heart beating. It will be pretty close, and Daddy will be there as well.


My appointments are going to be on Monday's as much as possible so Daddy can be there. I'm not anticipating any complications and I always enjoy my prenatal visits.


Wanna hear something ironic?...Thief River Falls now offers epidurals - they didn't when Kevin was born and I complained about it all the time; now they do and I'm not going to get one!


I might get an interthecal (like with Kev) but I've even considered no pain meds! I just think I am so much more educated about the birth process and how long contractions actually last (60 - 90 seconds). I wonder if diversional activities can get me through them.


Nobody teaches you that. Can you imagine how many women would not panic if they were educated in regards to the actual mechanisms of labor and delivery?


My watch is gong to be my best friend in the delivery room!


Cya Peanut.

It's Been Awhile

I know it's been a long time since I posted an entry and I'm sorry.

Coming to terms with having the life story of my angels and miracle boy out there for everybody to see has been a bit harder than I thought it would be. The finality of being able to write the life story of an angel in one post and never having to add to it brings me more grief than I am ready to handle on some days.

Tomorrow I will be back to posting as a few other things have happened lately to reaffirm my original plan. TO give hope to families dealing with infertility and prematurity. To take some of the fear out of pregnancy loss and miscarriage.

Thanks for hanging with me...there will be more to come.

Peanut's Beginning

The following are journal entries surrounding the beginning of Peanut's short life:

January 3, 2007


Tomorrow is my first doctor's appointment. You could call this my pre-prenatal exam.


The main reason for the visit is to get information about my medications during pregnancy. It is also the official medical starting point. Ready...Set...GO!!



February 1, 2007


Dr R. gave us the "all clear." she said to keep up the exercise & eat well, take a good B  vitamin & Folic Acid. I'm already taking a multivitamin with those elements & she was happy with that.
Now, for the good news...I've been using those old home pregnancy tests I bought when we were trying with Sam and Kevin, they were outdated but I figured it wouldn't matter. I took the first on Jay's birthday and each day since. They have all been negative.


Today I bought one while @ Walmart. I wondered if I would "waste" one today or wait until morning, Well, I couldn't wait...and I think I am still in shock! It was POSITIVE. Can you believe it? I sure couldn't. I'm still not sure it's true!


I haven't told Jay. I think he'd rather hear it in person. I called and asked him  (whether he would rather hear it in person if I have a positive test) and he said it would be nice but not necessary.


Today is only Thursday, he's not going to be home until Saturday-48 more hours keeping all to myself! that was the other thing Jay said. he knew there was no way I could keep my mouth shut if I was! Well, we'll see now won't we!


My due date is October 9, 2007. This is good - I'll be finished school, and all should be fine as far as that goes, even if I do have problems, which I am not expecting.

Later entry the same day:

I'm pregnant :) Can you Imagine, pregnant without even trying! That was not even close to realistic for Jay and I! We tried for so long with Sam, then 8 more months for Kevin.


I'm sure Lindsay will be hoping for the 6th; David, the first; and Brandon the 26th!

Wow, I'm pregnant - I am so filled with happiness! I can't wait for Jay to find out - we've been joking there is no way we could be so lucky. He's gonna absolutely fall down!


he might be right, I may not be able to hold this in! I want to call him and jump & down, share this wonderful joyous news! I want to see the look on his face when I tell him. I want to be able to enjoy the moment together.


This pregnancy is going to be so special for Jay and I. It's our last one. Kevin was special because he was our first.


We are not going to share our news with everyone right away. I'm not sure when we will make it public - we'll have to see as we go!


So many milestones to look forward to; first movements, heartbeat, a tummy, Kevin and Braylie's reactions, contractions, blah, blah, blah.

I had only known my baby for a few hours and already I was planning and anticipating the greatness and wonderfulness to come.

February 2, 2007


Well, it's final. We are expecting in October. I'm still shell shocked! And I couldn't keep it from Jay. He was very happy. 


Now we'll have to come up with a name for this baby, I have no idea what we will be referring to this baby as!


Jay said he thinks it's a boy -- I can't even believe I'm pregnant and he's already making predictions!

February 4, 2007

I am so glad to be feeling well. I am so confident that this pregnancy is going to be so smooth. I'm still on cloud nine. I think I finally beleive this is happening! I am four weeks today. Four down, thirty-six to go!


We are going to take monthly photos as we did with Kevin. 

February 5, 2007

Our baby now has a name. From this day forward, the child growing in my belly will be known as Peanut.


So Peanut, I will try to be patient waiting for you. I will continue to work out with my trainer at least 3 days a week.


Love you, Peanut, we look forward to meeting you!


We are trying as well to decide what to do with your bedroom. I'm thinking green & yellow - or something!


Love,
Mommy xoxo

I think this is what people don't understand when a child is lost in early pregnancy. From the moment a pregnancy is confirmed, plans begin to form, life changes. I can still feel the joy in my heart surrounding these events, I can visualize my reactions, trying to not be so giddy around Braylie (so she wouldn't suspect and I'd have to tell her before her dad came home) yet not able to wipe the smile off my face. Even as I type, I cannot stop smiling at the joy of these memories.

Maybe I Already Knew

This next journal entry is a letter written before I even knew I was pregnant. Looking back, I know I wrote it because I knew the timing was not perfectly right for a pregnancy to start. I wonder though if my brain already knew I was pregnant and knew the baby was not going to make it and I was begging for a better outcome.

January 25, 2007

Early Baby,

Please wait for a while longer. The time is not right for you to join our family out here.


Daddy and I love you endlessly already. It never ceases to amaze me how much love a parent has for each child. Even when a new child comes along, the love grows to include that child.


I'm excited ti see you, hold you, feed you, kiss you, cuddle you, love you. I look forward to sharing you with Daddy, Kevin, Braylie, and the others.


Be peaceful little one. I'll be seeing you oh so soon.


Love ,
Mom

When I went back and read this when we found out we were already pregnant that's when I knew this baby was meant to be. Our Meant-To-Be baby. I thought obviously we were ready and we would make the best of it! We would be just fine! I had no idea I would later come eat those words; or more accurately, choke on them.

Peanut was meant to teach us that we really do have no control over God's plan for our lives and that we must only live the best life we can according to His word.

Peanut was meant to teach us that love may not save a life, but it can save a marriage, it can mend a broken heart, it can help your kids deal with pain, and it can make the most devastating pain bearable.

A poem I found really helped to bring me peace:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,

With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay. 

 
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear. 

 
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, 

I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

~Author Unknown

 

I love my Peanut so much. I still wonder at times what he or she would be like today, a boisterous three year old, or more of a relaxed Mama's baby. 

 

It's almost funny how all of our angels have developed genders over the years, Sam and Peanut are always referred to as boys, Faith and Jordan are now girls. Now that I have explained that, I will be more comfortable using their 'assumed gender' in the rest of my writings.

...And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay...

You just can't explain this to a grieving parent, sibling, family member or friend. Each person will figure it out in their own time, and what a feeling of peace and calm it brings. I still cry on Peanut's Angelversarry, Jay still lights a candle, we still say a family prayer. Our loss is not gone, only the mind blowing, all consuming grief.

We are painfully aware that Peanut's loss helped to bring us Stickers and the miracle that he is. We thank God for Peanut and the lessons we, as a family, needed to learn to deal with all things Carson.

The Start of a Journey

Journal Entry 

January 30, 2007

This journal is to chronicle our final pregnancy.

After much discussion, Jay and I have decided on one more pregnancy.

Kevin is two, Braylie is eleven, Jordan is twelve, and Brandon is 16, The older kids are becoming more independent and will be moving along in their individual life journeys in the coming years. Kevin has so much time left at home and I feel guilty about him not having the entire sibling experience.

Of course that is not the entire reason we are adding on to our family; we have so much love to give and are excited to share it with one more child.

The last menstrual cycle began on December 30, 2006. As I wait to begin this next cycle-which should be in the next day or two-I'm eager and excited to start the final chapter of my reproduction.

This journal will be an account of the process from beginning to end. It will be interesting to see whether my previous experience and current education will make this pregnancy different from the other four.

Now, I'll update you on our situation to begin this chapter of our lives.

jay and I have been married six and a half years and have four children between us.

Brandon is 16, in the 10th grade, plays saxophone, likes mechanical work, and is a typical teenager.

Jordan is 12, a beautiful blooming flower, is in the seventh grade and is in the midst of becoming a lovely young woman.

Braylie, our eleven year old sixth grader, is energetic, a beginning basketball player, plays trumpet, and hates homework.

Kevin, our two year old wonder boy never ceases to amaze us. He is intelligent beyond his age and takes too much room in our bed every night.

Hang on for a wild, exciting trip through time.

For the person beginning to read this journal, this is an intimate look into our family. Treat it with the dignity and respect it deserves. Whether I am still on this earth or not, remember me with a smile as you try to put these words into pictures for your mind.

I haven't read this entry in a long time (probably not since right after it was written). It's interesting to see how I describe the kids now aged 19, 16, 15, and 5!!

I also realize that rewriting the actual journal entries (hand written, not typed) they really need to be edited for proper grammar. I have decided to copy my original writings to keep it real and authentic.

How it all Started

Although this is Stickers' journey, it really started with Peanut. I will begin with the letters and journal I wrote for Peanut throughout that pregnancy.

January 21, 2007,
Dearest Baby,

Daddy and I are contemplating adding you to our family. the decision is not yet final.

I only wanted to let you know that I already think of you often. You would be so loved here with us.


Kevin turned 2 a month ago and Braylie will be 12 in May. Daddy is a truck driver for Central Boiler in Greenbush. He is gone during the week and home most weekends. I am a nursing student at Northland Community and Technical College in Thief River Falls. I will be finished the LPN program in August and may or may not continue on to the RN program.

Sometimes I think of working for a while between programs. You may have some say in what happens. I told Daddy that you wouldn't be born until after I was done the LPN program and could either work or return to school for the part time RN program.


I want you to know how much you are loved an cherished. Nothing compares to a mother's love; you will come to understand this as you grow and thrive with us.

As you can see, we hadn't even decided for sure whether we were going to have one more baby. We had no idea what we were in for.

Welcome

This blog will retell the story of Stickers' beginnings and the medical community's refusal to believe this pregnancy was even possible.

I have been pregnant seven times and have the wonderful task of raising three wonderful children. I am grateful that four angels await me in the arms of God.

Stickers was the name given to our youngest child while he was still growing inside me. We were continuing a family tradition of giving our baby a name soon after we were pregnant so the child was not referred to as "It" or "The Baby." We were never interested in knowing the sex of our babies before they were born so they had to be gender neutral.

I have grown in my belly a J.R., Jordan, Sam, Peanut, Flipper, Stickers, and Faith. Those growing bellies grew to become Braylie, Kevin, and Carson. Babies Jordan, Sam, Peanut, and Faith are buried at the tiny country church cemetery where we go to renew our spirit and hear God's word.
 
I nicknamed my first pregnancy J.R. because it was common for babies to be referred to as junior and I wanted something just a bit different; a name not a title.

My second pregnancy was lost as I found out I was pregnant so I chose a name  gender neutral because I did not know for sure, although I have always felt Jordan was a girl.

My third pregnancy was a whirlwind. On Thursday I had a positive pregnancy test. On Monday night I couldn't sleep so I kept my husband awake until we came up with name. Tuesday morning while I was at work I began to have cramping and spotting. My husband took me to the ER where I was told everything was fine and if I wanted to take the rest of the day off work and relax. I sent my husband back to work only to call him a few hours later to inform him I had woken up in a pool of blood. Our baby Sam (named for Yosemite Sam because we were going to have a Loony Tunes nursery) was gone.

After a discussion with our older children (J.R. plus the 2 children from my husband's first marriage) the oldest decided that Flipper was appropriate four our next pregnancy because it was likely the shape of the baby at the time.

Peanut was our meant to be baby. We had been talking about adding one more child to our mix only to discover the decision had already been made. We were expecting Peanut to join us in October, in time for my sister's birthday.

At our 13 week checkup the doctor could not find a heart beat and sent us for an ultra sound to confirm Peanut's age. Our baby was gone. We cried, the nurse cried, our doctor was great. That Friday a D&C was performed. It was an awful experience I was in no way prepared for.

We accepted the loss like champs. How could we call the baby meant to be and then question the loss? We knew that for whatever reason, Peanut was meant to be in every way possible. I was upset that now God held in his arms more of my children than I did. This comforting vision was also very sad.

Exactly one month later, when I hadn't experienced what I was told to expect I took a pregnancy test which was positive and we were beyond overjoyed. We called the doctor who saw us that afternoon and sat us down with a somber tone. She explained that the test was likely positive due to hormones still in my system from the last pregnancy. A series of blood tests were scheduled to confirm hormone levels. Within a few days it was obvious, again a child was growing inside me.

As the medical professionals explained the unlikelihood that this pregnancy would continue because of the recent loss we prayed for our little trooper. Non-viable pregnancy is a medical term used for pregnancies deemed not possible to continue. I had hear this term before, and I hated it.

My seventh and final pregnancy ended with the birth of our daughter Faith Hope. Born at 8 weeks, 5 days gestation we were in no way prepared for the grief this tiny little baby would bring to our lives.

Each of my children have been a blessing (even though the three on earth sometimes try to disguise this). I look forward to retelling the story of Stickers' journey and how our family has triumphed in the face of so much tragedy.