Maybe I Already Knew

This next journal entry is a letter written before I even knew I was pregnant. Looking back, I know I wrote it because I knew the timing was not perfectly right for a pregnancy to start. I wonder though if my brain already knew I was pregnant and knew the baby was not going to make it and I was begging for a better outcome.

January 25, 2007

Early Baby,

Please wait for a while longer. The time is not right for you to join our family out here.


Daddy and I love you endlessly already. It never ceases to amaze me how much love a parent has for each child. Even when a new child comes along, the love grows to include that child.


I'm excited ti see you, hold you, feed you, kiss you, cuddle you, love you. I look forward to sharing you with Daddy, Kevin, Braylie, and the others.


Be peaceful little one. I'll be seeing you oh so soon.


Love ,
Mom

When I went back and read this when we found out we were already pregnant that's when I knew this baby was meant to be. Our Meant-To-Be baby. I thought obviously we were ready and we would make the best of it! We would be just fine! I had no idea I would later come eat those words; or more accurately, choke on them.

Peanut was meant to teach us that we really do have no control over God's plan for our lives and that we must only live the best life we can according to His word.

Peanut was meant to teach us that love may not save a life, but it can save a marriage, it can mend a broken heart, it can help your kids deal with pain, and it can make the most devastating pain bearable.

A poem I found really helped to bring me peace:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,

With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay. 

 
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear. 

 
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, 

I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

~Author Unknown

 

I love my Peanut so much. I still wonder at times what he or she would be like today, a boisterous three year old, or more of a relaxed Mama's baby. 

 

It's almost funny how all of our angels have developed genders over the years, Sam and Peanut are always referred to as boys, Faith and Jordan are now girls. Now that I have explained that, I will be more comfortable using their 'assumed gender' in the rest of my writings.

...And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay...

You just can't explain this to a grieving parent, sibling, family member or friend. Each person will figure it out in their own time, and what a feeling of peace and calm it brings. I still cry on Peanut's Angelversarry, Jay still lights a candle, we still say a family prayer. Our loss is not gone, only the mind blowing, all consuming grief.

We are painfully aware that Peanut's loss helped to bring us Stickers and the miracle that he is. We thank God for Peanut and the lessons we, as a family, needed to learn to deal with all things Carson.